Plays Well With Others

The Well, welcome to the first week in this new series Plays Well with others. Of course, it's about relationships. And, uh, together we're gonna learn some things, of course, what the Bible teaches. But I also hope you really learn some new information, some things that maybe you thought was accurate, but in fact really just doesn't prove itself out. What I personally enjoy is reading authors that, um, will do the science, do the research, and really sort of demystify or, or bust some myth about relationships. Now, this series is based on, uh, the Bible, but what we find is that the Bible is true. Uh, the author Eric Barker reveals this, and the book plays well with others. And so, again, what I love about it is there, the science is there behind it that will help us better navigate our relationships. So, when I mention maybe some surveys or studies and so forth, I'm not gonna cite that. I'm just gonna tell you it's a really, uh, good book and the information is there. And we're gonna begin with the question. You know, can you judge a book by its cover? Lemme just ask you, um, think about yesterday. Uh, did you make a snap judgment decision about someone maybe that cut you off in traffic? I mean, what goes through your mind as you meet people, you see them, you interact with 'em? I mean, it's just natural, right? We do do it. Um, first impressions are a big deal. It's a double-edged sword. Now, we know we're not supposed to judge a book by its cover. Be superficial in our, our judgments. Instead, we of course should give 'em the benefit of the doubt, not, you know, preform our opinion about them. Hopefully progress in the relationship and get to know 'em, because my feeling is most of us have been judged wrongly. Uh, at least we felt like we've been the victim of someone, you know, judging us on the cover. Maybe we didn't present ourselves the best at a particular situation. Uh, somebody didn't give us the benefit of the doubt. Well, the reality is, again, first impressions are a big deal. Um, they just are. We automatically will form in our minds our impressions of someone. We, we lock in those conclusions. The reality is we all do it. We shouldn't do it, but we all do. The real damage is that it's almost impossible for people to overcome those biases. Uh, technically it's, the phrase is confirmation bias. We get something so locked in, it's almost miraculous to unseat that. So, just an aside before we jump into the text, I really tell people all the time, particularly younger people, when you meet someone that first impression matters. Every little thing, you know, you may say, well, it's not right. Um, they shouldn't judge me based on this, that, the other, but in reality, it happens. So we just need to be aware of that. But we, if you've particularly been the victim of that, we as followers of Jesus should not give in or surrender to that. Here's the biblical example, huge miss, alright? Even by David in the Old Testament, his own family, his father, his brothers totally missed it. Now, the scripture is First Samuel, chapter 16. This is in the Old Testament, and this is concerning, uh, Israel's history and really about the, the king that, that God would raise up that he had promised them. And David is significant in the fact as well, that later Jesus, who was the promised Messiah, he would come from his lineage. But when David was a young man, nobody around him, not his family anyway, gave him any real credit because he was the least youngest of his brothers. And David, he was with the sheep. Well, this was at a point in, in the transition where the kingship was going to be given by this prophet Samuel. And so he was told to go to Jesse, Jesse was the father, and that he would know which of his sons would be king. So we find in verse seven of chapter 16, Elliot is the oldest brother. He is the one that is first presented, thinking that this, obviously, this will probably go quick. The oldest son is usually entitled, and he'll surely be the pick. Well, he wasn't verse seven, but the Lord said to Samuel, do not consider his appearance or his height for I have rejected him. The horse does not look at the things that people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. Then Jesse called a beda and had him pass in front of Samuel. But Samuel said, the Lord has not chosen this one either. Jesse then had shamma pass by, but Samuel said, nor has the Lord chosen this one. Jesse had seven of his sons pass before Samuel. But Samuel said to him, the Lord has not chosen these. So he asked Jesse, are these all the sons that you have? Oh, they're still the youngest. Jesse answered, he's tending the sheep. Well, Samuel said, sin for him, we will not sit down until he arrives. So he sent for him and he had him brought in. He was glowing with health and had a fine appearance and handsome features. Then the Lord said, rise and anoint him. This is the one. So Samuel took the horn of whale and anointed him in the presence of his brothers. And from that day on, the spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon David. So David overlooked by his father, brothers, but God said, I see your heart. I know who you are. I created you for this very reason. And so he would then be chosen and would be king. Well, this is an incredible story in which, uh, people missed it, but God knew what he was doing. The big idea here is that, you know, this is, this is a story of what God did in a specific situation. What God has a plan for you. But a lot of times we think that, you know, it's about, you know what, we can make someone into how we can change them. We think we can read people, but if we really want to grow deeper in the connections of our relationships, it's not about changing others. It's not about changing, um, people to get them to mold them into what you think they should be. If you really want the best relationships, true connection begins with you. That's the big idea. True connection begins with you. Lemme just tell you, not only could you not change someone, really, uh, we think we can, we think we have that power, but the truth is, you can't even read someone, you know, the idea of this person, they just complete me. I, I know what they're thinking. You know, I can just tell you, well, lemme just tell you what science says. Um, if it's a stranger and you meet them, you think you're pretty intuitive. You got 'em figured out. How successful are you at really determining or deciphering what they're thinking? Well, research says 20% at best. If there is some randomness to that, it reduces to 5%. Well think, Hey, I know I've got close friends, really close, known each other for years. Well, science says that at best you can sort of know what they're thinking 30% of the time best. That's it. And, and I, I love this statistic. I, it's kind of sad I guess, but married couples, you know, oh, you complete me particularly when, you know, newlyweds and so forth, they're, you know, smoking, doing something and just all in love. Everything just ah, is so great. At best, they peak at 35% of knowing what the other person thinks. So really, it's an effort in futility and, and, and just again, a note, um, when you realize that, that your spouse cannot read your mind, listen, you'll be way ahead of the game. Um, don't, don't damage your marriage relationships with unreal, uh, expectations, because when we impose that, we're always gonna be disappointed. But the reality is, so what can I do? Alright? I can't fully read my spouse or my friends or even strangers, but I can work on me. Now, your success in a relationship is gonna be really based around your, your confidence and your security. And as a follower of Jesus, this what you see with David as well. David was just really himself, alright? David had, uh, anointed him, or God had anointed him. He'd chosen him. You gotta learn to see yourself the way God sees. You learn to see yourself the way God sees you. But a lot of people judge you. They, they judge you harshly, falsely. You know, everyone. If, if you talk and know enough people, you're gonna have detractors. You're gonna have people that resent you, you frustrate them, alright? But our confidence as followers of Jesus comes from our identity in Christ. God knows us. It doesn't matter the circumstances of your birth or your conception. You were known by God. You were planned by God. You were chosen by him. The hundred 39th Psalm verse one and two says, you have searched me, Lord, and you know me. And when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. God knows everything about you. He knows every weakness. He knows every sin you committed, every horrible, selfish thought, God knows it all. Yet he still says, look, I love you. I created you in my image. I created you to have a relationship with you. And even though that's been messed up, and even though God's saying to us, I know all of it. I know all about it. I loved you. I love you enough to give you my son Jesus, so that he who was innocent could take on our sin. Pay for it on the cross. And so, God who is holy and perfect and just yet loving and merciful brings you to the table, brings you into his family as a child. Now, look, please hear me on this. God does not want you as his child to be beaten down mopey. He doesn't want you to be insecure and living in fear. He wants you to live with a real confidence that, look, this is my son, this is my daughter. You knowing that man that gives you the ability, uh, to go forward, that gives you the ability to, to see yourself. And, and I'll, I'll use this word in, in a very wholesome way. As as privileged, alright, as as blessed by God not superior to other people. But you know what? I can be secure in who I am. 'cause I see myself as a worthy child who, as a child of the king, I'm entitled to. What is his? And that clears the way. I'll tell you just for me, the idea to concrete this. I experienced this when I was at a place where I felt like I really didn't deserve to be. I thought, man, who am I? Um, you ever been in, you know, just like a really nice, uh, a place where they're like well-known people and so forth? And man, I just thought I'm completely outta place. Had the opportunity to play golf at this very exclusive, um, country club, and it was an opportunity to play with a professional golfer. And so, man, they, you have to go through a guard shack, uh, you know, wandered just almost, you know, to even get through. And so we're there. And this professional golfer, you know, I thought the gig is gonna be up. They're gonna figure out who I am and tell me I'm not supposed to be here. But the guy was with, I was his guest. A lot of times we base our self worth on what we do. All we think about is our insecurities and our weaknesses, but it's, it's about Christ, right? It's about he, what he's done for you, what he's given to you that qualifies you. That's enough. Well, because I was his guest man, I thought, wow, this is incredible. You know, I don't feel like I belong here. But it gave me the ability and, and confidence. I saw on the other end of the driving range, George W. Bush, former president was down there hitting golf balls. I was able to go up, shake his hand, meet him again. It's, it's, it's not, I'm nobody, you know, God says, I'm somebody. He makes me acceptable. He makes me worthwhile. And so you have to have confidence in a relationship, and you have to have confidence that, you know, it doesn't matter what people say, even though I may be judged by the cover superficially, I'm not gonna let that define me. And then I am not gonna fall into that same trap of judging others, even though I'll have to fight those impressions. How do you do that? Well be real. Secondly, be real. Just being authentic. Um, the, if you wanna be able to, to read someone, which again, is very, very difficult to do, you've gotta be readable, right? You've gotta be honest about who you are. Now, I find there's a technique to this because there are some people that are overs shares, right? There's another problem with that, you know? Um, they're just all out there, you know, at the drop of a hat. That's that, that's a little bit awkward. Here's the best thing you can do. Start asking questions. Ask questions about them. Um, learn who they are. People actually do like to talk about themselves. If you can sort of, you know, be patient and, and get through. Because when you ask questions, then a lot of times that opens doors for you to talk about, you know, who you are and what you value, and take the conversation deeper. Um, first John, chapter one, verse seven says this, if we walk in the light and he is in the light, then we have fellowship with one another. And the blood of Jesus, his son purifies us from all sin. If we have fellowship with one another, if we're in the light, the light it exposes. We're, we're exposing who we are, what we value. We're willing to talk about our weaknesses. Here's what I love about David. David is this shepherd board that just, he's overlooked. He's not complaining. He seems to be very secure in who he is. When you really look at him, not just here, but really in his story throughout the Old Testament, um, when it came to battle, it's a different story. I don't have time to go into, but man, he's just going to bring food and stuff to his brothers. They're in a, in a, in a war, in a fight. And, you know, who's going to take the challenge of confronting Goliath? David steps up. He has security in who he is. He has faith in the Lord who is guiding him and giving him a similar heart. The Bible says he's a man after God's own heart. And he had the courage to just step up to, to be real and say, look, I'll fight him. I'll do it. I'll, I'll, I'll deal with it. You part of, part of, you know, being authentic or being real also means that when you're dealing with, you know, other people, you can't, you gotta resist judging a book by the cover. The idea of asking questions is to get to maybe core conversation where you really can start to get to know, and, and you can't, you know, just automatically lock into a couple things and, and superficially, you know, say, okay, this is it. Uh, don't do that. Um, I would tell you that as a follower of Jesus, we need to resist confirmation bias by feeling accountable. God's gonna hold us accountable. Bible talks a lot about judgment, right? We superficially judge, we judge a situation. We don't know everything. I would say give people the benefit of the doubt. Let God sort it out. You're not a judge. You're not to be a judge. Now, you can make some value judgements, but be very careful about making, you know, snap decisions because we tend to just get ourselves in trouble. As a matter of fact, what, what really researchers in science tells us is that we need distance. We need distance before we start committing to this and that before we start locking in our opinions or judgements. And this happens, you know, this happens on the other side too. Um, you can be taken advantage of. If you're like, oh man, here's a slick salesperson. They seem like, man, they've got it all together. They come across well. They understand the power of first impressions. So they're really, you know, putting themselves out there. And you think, man, this is great. You know, well, you gotta be careful. So when you're in the situation, you know, ask questions. Get to know, resist superficial judgments and then distance yourself and really think about it. The third thing that's important to deepen these relationships and really go beyond the superficial is, is be proactive and engaging. Um, you, you look, if you're, if you're feeling lonely, feel like, man, nobody, nobody really talks to me about 90, 95% of the time when I hear this, particularly around church, it's not that, uh, we're not friendly. It's that, you know, you don't feel secure about who you are. You may be, you know, wired to be more introverted. I understand that. But you've gotta look for opportunities to begin to get to know people, to, to, to smile, to, you know, engage. Because only then when you connect, can you then begin to build and deepen a relationship. Um, the the idea too, though, is again, we can get to know someone and, and make some quick impressions, but if you really wanna take it deeper, there's a few things that you can do. Let me give you a list here. Um, and this, again, this is just what science tells us, that if you really want to get to know someone, kind of the true essence of who they are, you want to invite them to, to do something that is active or strategic, now start by, Hey, let's go get coffee, or let's go, you know, just meet over a meal. That'll be a great tool in a way for you to get good information. But if you take 'em, uh, in my world, if you take 'em golfing, you'll really get to know 'em because you see how they respond under pressure. You see how they make decisions, do strategy, you know, um, that's change the context. You wanna change the context because e emotions tend to be more real. A second thing you could do is bring other people into, into the mix. You know, you're choosing, considering this person, I, I wanna go deeper in this relationship. Um, see how they act with their family members. See how they act with their boss. Um, you, you, again, you see, you observe, then you look at it from a distance. I, I see this as well, you know, again, people meet and they think, oh, we're just so in love and this person is great. Yet all your friends are saying, Hey, be careful. This, I don't know about this, uh, family. Say, Hey, I, I'm not so sure about this situation or this guy. I see some flags. Look, listen to that. It, it may not be definitive, but again, don't get lost caught up in the moment. Don't make a superficial judgment. But again, that's for your protection, that's for your benefit. Bring other people into the mix. And then, um, you, you again want to encourage emotional responses. You want to, uh, focus on, on speaking, alright? They're speaking other than some of the, the, you know, body language. And there was a lot that has come out about, you know, uh, like profiling and how inaccurate that is. Um, lie detector tests, coin toss 50 50. This idea that we can just, you know, look at their eyes and this and that and do all these things and ascertain whether someone is really, you know, telling the truth. Really, it's more important that you hear and you really listen to someone beyond seeing them. There's a lot in the book about that, that I found extremely fascinating. And then, uh, five, if you wanna know someone, be the good cop as opposed to the bad cop. Even if you, you know, are not sure that what they're telling you is on the up and up, um, being the bad cop almost never wins. If you're adversarial, if you're, you know, you're defensive, the nicer you are, you can accomplish a whole lot more in opening someone up as a friend. Um, then just, you know, trying to, trying to get them in some way. I tell you my, um, my father-in-law, really good man, but he's retired now. He was in the insurance business and for years, uh, he told me that he would never hire someone unless their shoes were polished. And I thought, well, I get that, I guess, but how many people you know, did he miss along the way because of something superficial? Again, it's something that we do. It's something that's that's easy to play into, but God wants you to go beyond that. He wants us to go beyond that in giving initially people, you know, not just a first chance, but a second chance. He wants us to give each other the benefit of the doubt. And he doesn't want our relationships to be superficial. People are so lonely today. We live here in the metroplex and very densely populated people all around us. Yet we find ourselves alone. What we find ourselves feeling insecure. Well, here is the value of church, alright? This gives you the opportunity to meet people, to connect, to go deeper, to become a family. Our vision is to be a family for everyone. So I want to challenge you. Your next step is identify who and then connect with someone this week. Be a new person. Maybe it's someone that's already sort of on your list. What will you do to begin to take that relationship a little deeper? Again, the goal is to have healthy relationships that benefit you, but you being willing to be real and do it for the benefit of others. And fellowship of the Parks. Were always, I'm always concerned that you have a relationship with Jesus Christ. That is the most important thing. And so if you would, if you have questions about that, we wanna be discreet, but use your connection card, either digitally or the physical one there at one of our campuses. We wanna just take some time and help you work through that and find answers. But if you would, in these moments, I'm gonna pray and you make the commitment specifically to what you believe that God is leading you to do. If you can't do anything else, pray for one person. Pray for one person. Let's pray. Jesus, we thank you that you'll love us. We thank you that you give us life, and that you want us to enjoy life and enjoy relationships. God, I, I, I thank you for the privilege of having a relationship with you, but God, I pray that I wouldn't, uh, be just reactive, but instead God help me to take those relationships deeper and to truly love people and to understand what that means in practice. Lord, we love you. We thank you, and we commit these things to you. In Jesus' name, amen.