Bless Your Heart

So, in high school, and by the way, I grew up in the South, East Tennessee. But in high school, I had to satisfy a science credit, so I chose to sign up for zoology because I thought, it's more lab, so forth, more hands-on, hopefully less book work. Boy, was I wrong. But the tables were these lab desks, I guess, that we sat at, and I'd had a couple different seats in the class, but I was a few rows back. And in that class, Ms. Ledbetter, she was very stern, and I remember I had a difficult time seeing the board. And so I remember who I sat with. His name's Richard Hamby. And I said, "Hey, Richard, what'd you say? Let me see your notes." He was probably getting a little frustrated, too. He's like, "Come on, pay attention." And admittedly, I had some behavior issues, I had attention issues, but all of a sudden, Ms. Ledbetter got tired of it. She said, "Okay, Mr. Walker, I want to see you in the hall right now." And so I get in the hallway and she begins saying, "What is wrong here?" And I said, "Well, honestly, I'm having a hard time seeing the board and keeping up." And her response was, "Well, bless your heart. You just need to pay attention." That ended the conversation. The only good thing that came out of that was later, I realized that I actually needed glasses. But she was not saying bless your heart in any sort of way other than being condescending. This series is about the phrases that we use. Here in the South, we're very nice. Texas is friendly. We wave at people and just welcoming, and that's a great thing. But we sort of camp out sometimes on these phrases that we say, but the phrases become a wrapper for really heart issues. A wrapper for condescension, judgment, just even from the perspective of bless your heart, it's a placebo of care. It's like, well, do you really care? A lot of times, typically, not to the depth to make a difference or do anything about it. So we are looking at this from the perspective of what we say and how we say it matters, and what does the Bible say about that? Well, it's about revealing what is in our hearts. Sometimes we rely on seemingly pleasant phrases and ignore the bigger issues of dealing with our hearts, because somehow it excuses us. It covers it up. I want you to look with me at Luke chapter 6, verses 43 through 45. These phrases sometimes are just, again, socially acceptable ways that we communicate things, and they cover up disapproval, and they cover up a lot of intentions that really are not good. And the Bible says this in Luke chapter 6, verses 43 through 45. I'll just back up one verse. What Jesus is saying is, look, before you try to take the speck out of someone else's eye, make sure you first take out the plank that is within your own eye. He was using a parable to communicate, look, instead of worrying so much about everyone else and the little specks here and there, your preoccupation with that often keep you from dealing with the big matters, which may be the plank in your eye. And then he gives us this illustration. He says in verse 43, "No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes or grapes from briers. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart, for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." The things that we say reveal what is really going on inside. And Jesus is telling us this, but I want you to think it's just about words because the words, sometimes I think we make too big a deal on both maybe the negative or the positive about the words that we use. What this is concerning is also not just the words we say, but the tone that we use when we say them. The intent, the idea of the nuance of what we're trying to communicate. Because often, that intent nuance is maybe it's passive aggression, it could be digs or subtle put-downs, and it can also be manipulation. Because the Bible goes on to tell us in Proverbs chapter 26, verses 24 and 25, "Enemies disguise themselves with their lips." So again, we say nice words, but in their hearts, they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them. And then, for seven abominations fill their hearts. He goes on later to explain that. But the big takeaway here is, look, you can't always trust what people say. And we have to be careful with that. We don't want to open ourselves up to someone that's trying to manipulate us, use us. We don't want to give credence to the condescension that they're saying, even if they're using nice words. But we're going to turn our attention to Ephesians chapter four. We're not starting with the phrase, "Bless your heart," but we're starting with the phrase, "No offense, but..." Have you heard that? If you're like me, I've heard that all of my life. Let me begin reading in verses 25 through 32, and this really concerns about how to speak the truth honestly, using honesty without that being an excuse to ignore motive, kindness, framing, values. Because we can use our words and set it up really nicely, but that can be problematic because the intent may be something really different. In verse 25, said, "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger, do not sin." All right? The context here is the church. There's an understanding we're in a family, sense of brotherhood, sisterhood, and so we need to be honest with each other. But verse 26, "In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Have you had the experience of someone saying to you, "Hey, no offense, but..." And then that sort of gives themselves permission, and they assume you're giving them permission to really say and list their grievances. All right? I know as a pastor, I'm really trying not to exaggerate, but I hear this lead-in probably almost on a weekly basis. I'm grateful to be the founding pastor here for 33 years, and we got great people, but somebody's always not happy about something. And I hear, "Hey, no offense, but it's too cold in the auditorium." "No offense, but this is wrong. That's wrong." "No offense. I like your church." A guy, I hear this, "Like your church, but the music. Don't like the song selection or whatever." It could be one thing or another. I've also had the experience of, "Hey, Doug, no offense, but I really like to hear this speaker." How can that not be offensive, right? Look, I don't have to be everyone's favorite, but it's like, why are you even saying that? It's because they're lobbying, trying to manipulate me to get their favorite speaker up more and more. And I get it. So I used to let that offend me, but I've tried to just disregard that intro, listen to them, and explain and engage. But as self-righteous as I would like to be, I find myself using the same approach and technique to project my opinions into a situation concerning someone. And so I've tried to get better at that over the years, and I've changed my language. Instead of, "No offense, but..." my lead-in is, "I love you, and..." dot, dot, dot, whatever it may be. We're going to look at some ways on how we can really deal with our hearts, slow down, and really try to think about what we say. There's three things I want to share with you. First is this. Deal with your heart before you speak your mind. Don't just pop off. All right? I know that some people are stuffers, all right, and they're not prone to popping off. I'm not that person. I tend to be impulsive, want to say what's on my mind, and before you know it, I'm popping off, saying something. I've not paused, which is what we need to do. We need to pause. We need to pray, and the prayer needs specifically, because it's easy to pray when you feel so inclined to get God to rubber-stamp your agenda. You say, "God, I know that this person is wrong. I believe, Lord Jesus, you've called me up to confront them." We sometimes assume, don't pray that. Pause and pray, "God, help me discern my own heart." In an ancient world, the heart was considered the centermost part of your being, where all of intent, motive, and so forth, that it comes from that. And so it's hard for us to discern our own hearts. Without pausing, without praying, we find ourselves really just being impulsive, and the Bible tells us in Proverbs 2, "There's a way which seems right to a man, but the end thereof leads to death." I want to encourage you to ask yourself, you pause, you pray for discerning your heart, and then you want to ask yourself this question, "Why do I want to say this? Why do I want to say this?" Check the heart first. Ask yourself, "Am I trying to help, or am I trying to vent, win an argument, to expose something, or to punish someone, or just to make myself feel better?" I'll just tell you, my tendency is to pop off, to speak impulsively. If I would've learned this earlier in marriage, I would've saved myself a whole lot of pain and grief. Because my wife tends to be more of a stuffer, I tend to just pop off without thinking, without processing anything. And the phrase that I've used, that she's heard many times, unfortunately, I'm just being confessional, and our staff have heard, say, "Hey, no offense, but that's stupid." Pretty direct, pretty blunt. Not a great way to win friends and influence people. Again, I would've saved myself a whole lot of pain, but do you know what the heart issue-- So why did I do that? Well, it's a heart issue, and it's pride and impatience. Just prideful impatience, and I feel like, "Okay, I'm right, therefore, I'm going to be honest with you, so I'm going to speak the truth, and you're going to have to deal with it." But that's not good. I'm not saying that there are not times you need to say something. There are times you do. But how you say it, the tone, the posture of what you're saying absolutely matters. And if you don't deal with the why, you're most likely going to get it wrong. So pause, and then secondly, consider the value of what you want to say. Ask the question, "Is it true? Is it really true?" Make sure that you're not repeating, I'm asking myself , am I repeating assumptions, exaggeration, or partial information? Because we can assume things that are not true, and you have to ask, "Okay, is it true?" But also, will it build up or tear down? I'm going to turn your attention, I'm just going to read verse 29 again to you. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." So the motive in which you are communicating something that really matters, it's important, and you believe that, you've paused, you've prayed, you've asked yourself these questions, then it's okay to say it. But impulsive Doug, I'll tell you, they will refer to this as just kind of going off an assumption and being half-cocked, referencing a gun, where the trigger is in the half position before it's fully cocked. And what that means is you just don't have all the information, or you're assuming things that are not true, not correct. Earlier in my ministry here, because I'm not a licensed professional counselor, so I would refer people to counselors. This one guy in particular referred somebody to him, and that way they can deal with it. They're not supposed to talk necessarily, the counselor with me about it. But I remember this one scenario where the counselor's client that I recommended comes back to me, sits in my office, and tells me how dissatisfied they were with the counselor. And are telling me things that I'm like, "Well, that shocks me. I can't believe you would say that." So what do you think I did? She left and immediately I'm calling the counselor. And what I discovered is that that's the last time I was able to refer anybody to that counselor, because you get one side of the story, you get half-truths, you believe something that's ridiculous, and here I am grilling a counselor because I don't have the information. I'm not really taking the time to methodically get his side of the story. And the truth is, I should've just trusted. It's confidentiality issues. He can't really talk to me about that anyway, and he basically just said, "If you don't trust me, then it's not going to work. Just don't refer anybody else to me." I felt bad, and I learned from that situation. Again, the way you do it, the value, is it productive? Are you trying to help the person? Are you trying to make a situation that maybe is a point of conflict, are you treating it in a redemptive fashion? Trying to make others in your life consider them first, and then deal with it. And again, sometimes the most loving thing is to absolutely talk about it and share about it, but do it in the right way. Leads me to the third thing here, that is, you have to decide how it should be said. Decide how it should be said. If it needs to be said, then how do you do it? Well, you have to ask yourself, again, you're pausing and praying. You're asking yourself these questions. Is this the right time? Is it the right way? And the person, am I the person to do it? In that counseling situation, I know this now, I knew it then. I didn't do it because I was impulsive. I needed to speak to that person and tell them, "You need to go back and get further clarification and air that out." Or, "If you didn't click with that counselor, then you got to find yourself another counselor." But I handled it wrong. You have to discern those things, and you have to decide whether it should be said now, said differently, said privately, or by someone else. A lot of times, conversations, we end up finding ourselves in conflict because we have this need, and it comes out of pride. We have this need to show ourselves to be strong and courage, confrontational. The whole counseling situation, the heart issue that I had behind that, again, was pride, but it was also control. I wanted to control the situation. That's not healthy. We have to ask whether or not we can say it with kindness and compassion. How can I say this in the best way possible, where I'm building someone up, I'm doing it for their own good, but empathetically, and also offering myself to be a part of the solution? How can I help you? How can I meet your needs? Because if I cannot say it with care, I may not be ready to say it yet. Again, there's a good reason for pause. Plan the right time. You don't want to hit people when they're already stressed, agitated, and so forth, but sometimes we get so self-focused, we just need to get it off our chest, and then we end up making the mistake that, various mistakes that make the situation really worse. So let me tell you a bad story that leads to a good one. I was dealing with an employee. I found out something that they did that really frustrated me to no end. And I'm like, "What in the world?" And so I impulsively fired off a text to their supervisor that was really not nice. Not proud of that, I'm just telling you. And it so happened that I was trying, I'm trying to do it the right way, trying to consider, well, their supervisor is really the better person to deal with this, but I'm frustrated, and we text back and forth, but then this employee calls me. Honestly, I was so angry by this point because I didn't feel like they were getting it. I don't even know what I said. I didn't make matters better. And I just ended up saying, "Okay, I'm going to wait till their supervisor gets back," because they were going to be out of town, which was good. It allowed me to decompress, frame myself, understand, and ended up going to a meal with the supervisor and the employee. And in that, let me tell you a little bit where I've matured. I led in with the statement, "No offense, but..." I didn't say that. I said, "I love you, and I know your intentions were good." And then I began to explain, and affirm, and communicate value because I appreciated them and what they did for our church, but it was a mistake that they didn't fully understand, and I wanted to have the opportunity to help them see it from my perspective. And let me just tell you, when you think about the way you say something, it's not just the words, it's the tone, but also the way you posture yourself. I've learned not to be frustrated up on the table. I just want to tell you, you don't do that. Relax, lean back, speak slowly, softly, carefully, and lay it out. Affirm those. Look, I didn't compromise what the content of what I was saying. All right? Absolutely believe I was right in the situation. But I'll tell you, it made a difference. He told his supervisor afterwards that, "I really appreciate that because you dealt with me like family." And that's what you want. The whole context of Ephesians 4 is really, it's in that family, that spiritual family, where we, again, we need to address things honestly, but we need to do it with care and true compassion, and we need to say it in a way that's uplifting, and disarming, and always speaks encouragement and the belief that, you know what? I believe in you. I think you can get there. I'm not saying that's going to automatically lead to you solving every situation. But for those of you that are followers of Jesus Christ, like myself, we are compelled to slow down and to think about not only what we're going to say, but how we're going to say it. The next step and the follow-up for you is, I want to encourage you, choose your words wisely and say what needs to be said the right way. There may be someone in your life you need to talk to after you hear this message, but do it in the right way. In these moments, I want to pray for you. I also want to encourage you that if you are not certain that you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, because that's the most important thing, please utilize the connection card either digitally or physically and just say, "I'd like to talk with someone." We'll do it respectfully. We'll do it privately. We're not going to embarrass you, but we want to help you. Let's pray together. Lord Jesus, I pray that you give those that need help, give them the courage to ask. God, I pray for our relationships. I pray that you would make us more mindful of our response, and we just wouldn't kind of fall and give way to these phrases that we're so accustomed to, but to really look at it, to think about what you would have us do and truly seek the right path. Lord, we love you, and we thank you. In Jesus' name, amen.